hmmm

ok, so phil’s gone out to the pub and i’m stalking people on his facebook account. in a minute i’ll feel dreadfully annoyed at wasting my singular hour of free time (samuel’s asleep for the night but i should go to bed soon too) and not having enough fun. this is a priority issue for me at the moment. how to have fun. when i have so little time to myself or with phil, how do i maximise the fun in each of those minutes?! sound crazy? i know. i could try to stop worrying about it, but it’s pretty unavoidable really as i obviously do have to do the un-fun things like washing up and replying to emails and spilling the contents of my head into cyberspace but if that’s all i do i’ll go mad…. if i’m not already there.

so anyway, there are 5 little hats now ready to go off to innocent. i’d like to do more, but as per the last paragraph, time is precious and my son might be leaving home before i finish his afore mentioned cable knit tank top and then it won’t fit. then i really will be annoyed at a stupid waste of time!

you would think though, that an afternoon spent in a sunny garden with lovely new mummy friends would solve this whole little problem, at least for a bit, but even that doesn’t seem to be easy. after 2 changes of clothes due to sick, a last minute remembering that we needed formula, water and a sterile bottle with us and writing a note to a delivery man (who never came in the end), we walked up the road to a where my antenatal group were meeting. it was a lovely afternoon and the ladies and their babies are really good company, so why does it feel like such hard work? honestly? i suppose i want people to like me, i don’t want to offend anyone, i have half a brain focussed on samuel and his needs, so only half a brain left for conversation (hence i’m not very good at it!) and poor samuel gets half neglected as he usually requires my whole brain! i have to try not to feel competitive with the other mums and although i’m happy to share my opinions (aren’t i always?!) i feel i should try and make them very ‘take it or leave it’ in case people disagree. it’s all very tactical and rather exhausting and i seem to always come away thinking i should be doing this whole thing better.

maybe it’s all part of coming to terms with who i am now. and i’m not sure i’ve really worked that out yet. these things i do know though…

i love being a mum and i wouldn’t swap it for the world.
i adore samuel and feel privileged to spend so much time with him and know him so well.
i need chocolate.

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